Frustrated

I'm in one of those moods where I just need to vent. So here goes nothing......

• I have severely dry skin on my face, hands, feet, etc... and everything looks like complete and utter hell. My hands are bleeding all over because they are so dry and cracked. Not to mention I have this serious problem where I constantly chew on my hang nails and can't leave my hands alone. I've tried drinking serious amounts of water to hydrate my skin along with slathering tons of lotion but I just can't keep up with all the work that seems to go into keeping my hands or face presentable.
• I'm not getting enough sleep because I work so much and tutor online at night and just have 10 million things to do. I really need to start planning out every waking hour so that I can get everything done that I need to and still be able to get to bed at a descent hour.
• I don't feel like I can get ahead at work. Just when I feel like I'm making head way something comes up and I feel right back at square one feeling WAY behind. There are other things that are beyond my control and that really sucks because I can't control other people's actions.
• My boss has been promoted and that in an of it self sucks but what sucks more is that she had no say in who they hired for her position. The woman has no elementary experience and no experience with our math or reading series so I'm feeling even more apprehensive than I did. It just sounds like a crappy underhanded situation.
• I feel like I need someone to tell me "thank you" because I feel like I'm doing so freaking much and thanking people left and right for things they do for me and no one seems to be recognizing my efforts or the fact that I'm the one holding my family afloat right now.
• How long am I supposed to wait for R's business to get off the ground? I mean how long until I just lose my mind and go insane from the stress of being the only one who's bringing money into this family. The pressure is really getting to me now as you can probably tell by this freak out of a post. It's the holiday time and we have NO money. Every tank of gas and every grocery trip is going on my credit card because we can't pay all our bills on any given month. It's more than exhausting and I don't know what to do!

I need to get to bed I'll try to post something more enjoyable soon!

Starting a Business
I have so much that I need to update but this is a biggie.....R has decided to start his own business. Since he's had no luck getting a job he's decided to make one for himself doing communications and marketing. The only problem I see is that he's not making any money. I know it's going to take time but I would much rather he just keep trying to find a steady job, one that includes a set salary and health benefits.
I'm just so darn sick of this situation that we are in! It's noble to want to start your own business and I think R is talented but I just don't trust the economy right now and would much prefer something stable, though that's not coming around either. I'm so on the fence about all this, not sure what to think. All I know right now is that even though I'm working it's not enough and I'm really sick of paying R's bills. He brings up now and again that he covered stuff when he was working and I stayed home, but I am quick to point out that I online tutored and covered EVERY bill of mine that wasn't something joint. We would be totally fine right now if we didn't have the hundreds of dollars worth of bills that R has and he has not made any money towards them.
This has been going on so long I'm REALLY beginning to resent him and little things are really bothering me. I look at him and I don't even recognize this person and it's really hard lately to be happy. I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that the holidays are looming and we have no money. I get up at 4:45am, get to work by 6:30, work my butt off all day, get home around 5pm or later on the two days per week I do tutoring, see the kids for a bit and then start online tutoring until I go to bed. I'm exhausted and I feel like just some recognition or a "thank you" every once in awhile wouldn't be too much to ask.
Sorry for my "Debbie Downer" post I'm getting it off my chest so I can move on an be positive again!

Compromise

There are so many times that I want to blog about things that I have been going on in our life, and I actually have started several posts, only to save them and think that I'll finish them later. This has resulted in me not posting for a very long time and has left so many topics swimming around in my mind. I'm finally going to take a few minutes this morning and write down the one that happens to break free from my mind.

It's about marriage and compromise during the holidays. R wasn't raised with a strong family unit. He has so many aunts, uncles, and cousins and barely knows them. They stopped getting together at holidays when his grandparents passed and some his parents don't even get along with. It's just weird to me because I was raised the exact opposite. We got together for every holiday and everyone was pretty much always there and got along. There were no fights or people crying, etc.... So we're running into a problem with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is R's holiday. It's the one that he waits all year for because he makes dinner every year. He loves cooking and there's just something about Thanksgiving that brings him such joy and happiness. I can't even fully understand and explain it to others. The Thanksgiving when we first moved up here we did go down to my aunt's house and he didn't cook so in the past there have been times that we've compromised.

Fast forward to this year....he really wants his day. He literally plans out his next years dinner and reflects upon the dinner he just prepared the minute he's done cooking. He thinks about it for days afterwards and spends many hours preparing for the upcoming year. I find it special because I know it's so incredibly important to him. I just wish that my family would understand. I tried to have my mom explain it to my grandma and ask if R could cook for the whole family. He loves cooking for large numbers of people and he's perfectly capable because he used to prepare dinner for a whole sorority of girls singlehandedly. She told my grandma that she's making the turkey and the dressing and whoever wanted to could bring any other dishes, just to let her know. So yeah, that didn't satisfy R because he wanted to cook everything and the turkey and dressing are two of his signature dishes. So this past weekend I tried e-mailing her and explaining it (mainly because talking on the phone to an older person is kind of difficult because I feel like I'm always yelling) So I got a response back and she thanked us for the offer but said she would feel bad if he cooked everything while everyone else sat around. He absolutely loves that part and I love it to because I get to assist and help and it's a day where I get to work with him cooking which I totally miss out on pretty much the whole rest of the year.

So anyway that's where were at...I guess we've decide to stay home and he's going to make dinner for just us and then we're going to go down there on Friday to hang out with everyone or even Thursday night if our dinner gets done with early enough. I feel like people are going to be mad though that we're choosing not to be there with all the family. I really have to get in the shower because I'm late, but I'll try to write more again soon!

Please Pray

At 11:59pm tonight the Mich.igan govt. might cut Little man's preschool program. I've been praying since he started, and fell in love with it, that it isn't cut tonight. We have gone through too much in the past year and a half and I feel like we just deserve this break because it crushes me to think that we'd have to tell him that he can't go back to school.

Oh and thank for the suggestions about contacting the principal at that school. Unfortunately, they aren't allowed to hire people and pay them less. Since schools have unions there is a set pay scale for the level of education and number of years you have, and they have to follow it. They ended up hiring a brand new teacher that they could pay dirt cheap. This really bummed me out and I am still upset because now I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a chance at a job in this district.

Passed Over

I didn't get an interview for that job at the elementary school around the corner from my house. The conclusion was that I have my master's degree. Who would have known that an advanced degree (one I pretty much needed to renew my teaching certificate) would be the deciding factor on whether or not they were going to interview me? I guess the budget is strapped and they would have had to pay me too much, it's easier to hire someone cheap. Mind you, I am close with all the teachers, actually I was recruited for this job (by three of the teachers), I know all the kids and spent a great deal of time teaching these exact students last year, and was promised by the principal just 2 months ago that if a position ever came up I would "DEFINITELY get an interview."

I feel like crap and to make matters worse my actual job is becoming a bit of a pain in the ass. I really hate when a break in life is so very close but yet things don't work out. I am so sick of trying to figure out how I can work extra on my time off to make more money for our family. The newest low that I am sinking to, watching my boss's kids on Friday night from 6-11. Gee, do I really want to babysit for three kids after I've been up since 5:00am and worked all day, you guessed it, NOPE, but needless to say we're going to be short paying bills so making money on Friday night seems like a viable option for me, one that is pretty much necessary. It sucks and yes I'm having a bit of a pity party right now, I'm allowing myself today and then after today I'm going to perk back up and pick my head up to move on with life.

Things on my Mind

1. Please pray for Ally! I hope you're receiving an outpouring of support and love right now!!!! Hang in there girl!
2. I'm missing Little man's first day of 4 year old preschool and it's killing me! Last year his first day was two days after Baby M was born so we all got to go and hang with him on the first day. Today the whole family is going to be there minus me, and the worst thing, I can't even see him before I leave for work.
3. The job posting closed yesterday for that 5th grade position at the elementary school around the corner and they haven't called me yet for an interview :( Interviews are tomorrow and Wednesday.
4. I have a staff meeting today and it lasts until 5:30. I have gym duty today so I have to spend from 7:30-7:50 with riled up kids K-5 in the gym. I have a bad attitude and it's bugging me. I need to stay positive but it's so damn hard when my dream job is right there like a carrot dangling in front of my face.
5. It's 6:14am and I need to get ready to leave for work. I hope everyone has a great day!

What's Been Happening??!!??

It seems as though I've fallen off the face of the Earth, that's exactly how I feel. Here is a little glimpse at what's been going on in my life.

• I received a call last Tuesday telling me that my dream job at my dream school is all ready for me to apply for, and I did. I know I have a job and that I should be grateful but frankly, it's not paying the bills and it's running me ragged. I leave at 6:30 and don't get home until 5 and for some reason this schedule isn't getting any easier. I'm praying that I can at least get an interview because I'm sick of not having enough money to pay our bills and not having insurance for my family. It would suck to quit my job now because there are some perks and things that I really like but this is one opportunity that I can't pass up. School doesn't start until 8:55am and it is right around the corner from my house. I used to walk there when I subbed. I NEED this job!!!!!!! There are several teachers at the school that are doing everything possible to try to get me the job and I'm very grateful.
• Our preschool that we've been working so hard to get started is finally going to get off the ground!!!! We found a building, sweet deal on rent, and now we just have to get all of the rest of our ducks in a row. There's about 5-6 families that have been working our tails off to try to start this because our children were in need of a preschool because the one Little man attended last year just closed it's doors with NO notice. In the mean time R and I did find another free preschool for Little man to go to because our income was so low and we're still sending him there but also trying to get this off the ground because the free one might get cut because of state funding cuts so we wanted to have a back up plan.
• I'm so sleep deprived that I walked out of the house one day last week without any makeup on and didn't even realize it until around 10am. I also have nearly fallen asleep on the drive home several times. I'm getting up at 5:15am and haven't been getting to bed early enough. This week I'm making a goal of getting in bed by 9:30 rather than 10:30-11pm. I am also going to try to be more efficient in the morning by getting my outfit and things I'll need for my day ready the night before so I'm not fumbling around in the dark and forgetting things that I need.
• My parents let us borrow one of their cars so that we could get Little man to preschool and R lost the key. We spent this whole week looking for the key and it literally has vanished out of thin air. I had to meet my mom half way today and get their spare key so that we would be able to drive Little man to school as well as run other errands.
• R is starting his own business along with still applying for jobs that he's qualified for near where we live. It's worth a shot because he really doesn't have anything to lose. His mom is paying for start up and he's doing a lot himself so hopefully he's able to make just a little money to supplement our income.
• R has begun getting involved in several different community organizations and has been so happy, this is VERY exciting! He went to a meeting about the economics in our community last night and after the meeting he was asked out for a drink (that sounds really girly, sorry) but a head govt. person and he asked him to consider running for city council. It's fun to see him excited.
• I've gained a few pounds and it's totally making me feel really fat. I'm going to start scheduling exercise into my day because it's just been falling by the wayside. It's amazing what just a couple of pounds can do! I've GOT to begin running again and begin my strength training, it's so hard to find time though!
• I'm dead tired so I'm heading to bed, keep all fingers crossed that I can at least get an interview for that job!